Deconstructing faith

what it feels like to walk away from all you have ever known

Photo by Dave Babler on Unsplash

I have been thinking a lot lately about the faith I inherited and how much it has impacted my life. I grew up in a (non exclusive) Brethren church in the UK, a conservative evangelical, non denominational church which holds a literal interpretation of the bible, strong views regarding the role of women, does not accept the LGBTQIA+ community and has a strong commitment towards preaching the gospel and ‘converting the lost’. My whole family belonged to the church, and it never once occurred to me that it was ok to leave, even when they kicked out my Dad after my parent’s marriage fell apart. I moved on from the church I grew up in, and which my grandfather led, when I was a teenager only to go to other churches that held the same strict beliefs, right until I got divorced at 37 after 18 years of marriage (when my first husband left me for another woman) and I saw their true colours, and felt their lack of support.

As I was working for a Christian charity at that time and still with a strong faith, I didn’t leave church completely, I just moved to different flavours of Christianity, first to the Church in Wales, then to a Pentecostal church (the happy clappy brigade) and eventually, having felt the upheaval of a divorce, the fallout from a broken and damaging friendship and resulting intense loneliness, I left it all and decided not to go back. A few years later, my new husband decided he wanted to try church out so I reluctantly went with him, I still had my faith and fear of God so thought that maybe enough was enough, I didn’t want to let God, or my husband, down by staying away. Before long I was sucked back into the routine of it all, began working for the church and convincing others to see christianity as the answer to all their problems. I was sold out for God, or so it looked, but underneath it all I was begining to have doubts.

Years of trying desperately to fit in when I knew I didn’t, having faced several traumatic life events, experienced a fair amount of spiritual abuse from weak leadership, and been hurt by people who used God (and the bible) as a weapon, came to a head and I found sitting in a church service week after week painful and uncomfortable. I began asking questions and pulling at the threads of my childhood faith and, rather than tidy things up, I found the whole thing unravelling.

First to go was the doctrine of Hell. I realised everything I had been taught about this place of fire that a ‘loving God’ would send his children to burn for all eternity to if they didn’t put their trust him him, was wrong. Soon after, I was looking at the whole of the Bible in a whole new light. There is so much of it I cannot get my head around anymore, childhood stories I no longer believe to be true, ‘men of God’ who have committed evil acts in his name, the way the church has twisted theology to fit their views, patriarchal structures that subjugate women, and the lack of inclusion for people with disabilities and for the LGBTQIA+ community to name just a few.

My deconstruction (pulling down the building blocks of my faith) is still in progress, I am not sure if I want (or need) to rebuild it at the moment, but I do know I will not be going back to church. I have declared myself to be ‘Agnostic’ rather than christian, as I am no longer sure what to believe. I do still love the person of Jesus, he said some pretty cool things, and while I am not sure about the whole death and resurrection thing at the moment, I can see that he was trying to get people to see a better way of living, and I hope that I can still be someone who embodies that kind of life despite all my doubts. Loving other people, being kind, gentle and generous with ourselves and with others, welcoming the foreigner, not being judgemental and being prepared to forgive those who have hurt us, is I think, the embodiment of true christianity. If only the church displayed these characteristics.

The current state of the world has only solidified my feelings, watching the evangelical christian church in the USA stand by and support the evil of their dementia riddled, narcissistic orange leader has made me feel sick to my stomach, not to mention the absolute desecration of entire nations in the name of religion. It is disgusting and I want nothing to do with that kind of faith.

I have read books on deconstruction, listened to podcasts and followed ex-vangelicals on social media and I am not alone in these beliefs, and I am finding healing from it all. It has been a long and traumatic process so far. The church taught me that I was not good enough, that God only wanted me if I did things for him (or her/them), and that I needed to sacrifice myself for the good of the church, even when I didn’t agree with them. I have worked stupidly long hours, while earning very little, just because I felt like God wanted me to, despite it meaning neglecting my own family, and getting burnt out in the process. I realise now how wrong that was and have had to do a lot of soul searching to forgive myself for those times. I am so thankful for the therapy that has got me to this point.

I have been reading ‘East of Eden’ by John Steinbeck recently and one quote near the end of the book (no spoilers) hit me like a rock. It says:

"And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good"

I have been trying to be perfect all my life, to be acceptable to a God that never gave me any affirmation without conditions attacheed, and I never felt I could fully please him (her/them). Now, I am free to concentrate on just trying to be ‘good’. That is to say, I am in control, I get to decide what is good enough, how well I am doing, and who I am, now I am no longer under the constant watch of God’s judgmental eyes. I wrote this poem on the same subject a while ago:

It isn’t an easy process, I still have hangovers from my church days, wondering what people might think of me - even writing this (the first time I have gone public with my faith journey and deconstruction) I am filled with a sense of dread that people I know might read it and won’t accept me any more, or will have a go at me, or just talk about me behind my back, but I have to get it out. I have friends on the same path and have had some really helpful conversations about it, and I have written plenty of poetry on the subject, which has also helped, and I am learning that it is OK.

There is a grieving process to go through when you deconstruct; the loss of significant friendships and people who told me that they were my ‘family’ who are no longer in contact, A loss of identity when all my job roles have revolved around my christian faith, and church, in some way, and the lack of something solid to focus my weekends around, being just three. Not to mention that my entire family are christian so there has been quite a bit of fall out there too. There is so much more to come to terms with and to grieve.

I am healing. I will get there.

If you are on this journey, or have been, and you would like to talk then do get in touch, I would love to chat more about this with others.

There is a lot more detail I could go into here, but I won’t, I will leave that for another time maybe. But I really felt like I should share.

Until next time

Lisa x